The Day I Realized I Had Nowhere Left to Run

I was on a very popular dating app, not really looking for love, but for someone to save me.

To save me from the exhaustion of living a life that wasn’t mine.

A life full of fear, fear of truly seeing myself, of accepting the legacy that had been passed to me by my ancestry. I had just left a marriage. I was shattered into pieces, and had no strength to put myself back together. I was carrying the weight of an abortion. My vibration was low. I felt dirty. Unworthy. I truly believed that God was punishing me for every choice I had made. I couldn’t be alone. I needed someone around me all the time.

And that’s when I found a man who, just like me, was lost in despair.

We entered into a toxic relationship.

I became the mother.

I drove, paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the shopping… while he simply accepted and said thank you.

There was no exchange, only giving. And deep down, I thought: If I keep taking care of him, he won’t leave me. I truly believed I couldn’t make it alone.

So I shrank. I silenced myself. I made myself small enough to fit inside a relationship that didn’t nourish me. All I wanted was for someone to see me, and save me.

From myself. From my own story. My own mind. My own fears and shadows.

And then he left. He got tired of being “mothered.” He found someone else, while still living in my home. I collapsed. I cried. I broke into a thousand pieces. I took 10 days off work just to cry. Every tear I had held back for a lifetime poured out during those 10 days.

I lost 11kg. I stopped eating.

And without knowing it, that “fasting” was helping me cleanse, body, soul, and spirit.

I was alone in my apartment in Dublin.

And during those 10 days of solitude, I began grieving someone I had never really let live:

myself. At first, I blamed him. I played the victim. I felt sorry for myself.

But the silence of the house kept whispering something else.

That’s when I learned, for the first time, about self-responsibility.

No one forced me into anything.

I chose every step that led me there.

So I began tracing it all back.

When did I start handing over the responsibility of my life to others?

And I realized the situation was far more serious than I thought.

I needed silence not just to cry, but to remember who I was.

That was the real beginning of my journey.

And during those 10 days, I made a sacred vow to myself:

That I would never again accept anything, from myself or anyone, that wasn’t truth.

That wasn’t pure and aligned with purpose.

I finally decided to accept myself. To welcome my shadows. To expand my light.

Even without knowing exactly how, I decided to begin.

And I said it out loud, into the silence of that September night:

“I’m going to build The Life I Want. Because I accept it, I deserve it, and I am grateful.”

I released 11kg of pain, and walked through a powerful rebirth.

I wasn’t alone, I had a companion during those days: a text I found that echoed through me like a sacred testament.

And now, I want to share it with you:

Everyone goes through hell, but not everyone stays there. Stop tormenting yourself by reliving the pain over and over. Good people go through terrible things, but wise people know when and how to let it go. We all know that wisdom does not come easy, it often comes from painful experience. Many of us are very unwise in how we handle our pain. Like an animal that struggles in a steel trap, we worsen our wounds the way we struggle, deny, and fight against what simply, is. When we refuse to learn the wisdom of acceptance, we become our own tormentors. When we refuse to let go we suffer, yet we cannot let go of something until it has taught us what we need to learn. Letting go is a process of recognition, confrontation, acceptance, and healing. Letting go simply means not suffering any more than absolutely necessary, but just enough to expand and strengthen ourselves. Some suffering is needed to deepen our compassion, to grow, and to learn. Letting go means you have learned enough, and now have compassion for yourself. Letting go means not touching that sore spot until it is infected, and instead letting it heal. Letting go means carrying a permanent scar, but not a permanent wound. Letting go means you may have walked through hell, but came out the other side ready to make your life a heaven. Letting go means you refuse to be a victim forever, by letting one moment define the rest of your life. Letting go means you accept change, and you accept that your pain is not permanent. Letting go means you accept that you cannot take away the past, but you insist that the past cannot take away your future. Letting go means you are ready to move forward and live. Letting go means you are no longer afraid. It was always fear that held you prisoner; letting go means you are finally free.

Bryant McGill

If you are reading this and something stirred inside you… maybe this is your time too.

I’ve created this space, this portal, to remind you that you are not alone.

Healing is not about perfection.

It’s about returning.

And you can begin today.

With breath, with intention, with truth.

The Life I Want is not a dream.

It’s a decision.

Welcome.

https://www.thelifeiwant.ie